Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Day At The Races

Mom and Shannon may have been a little uneasy about going to the Bridal Show at Spectacular Events with me last night.  But an offer to pay their way in was the best negotiation tactic.  Let's do a quick review of the wedding-related recon I've had to do thus far:

  • The last (free) bridal show I attended had me downing champagne flutes and being quite terse with some of the vendors, who (surprise surprise) were also at last night's event.  
  • The first venue I looked at for my reception was in complete disarray.  And they knew I was coming.  I couldn't even speak to the Events Coordinator for all my anger.  Subsequently, my mom apologized to her last night for my bad behavior when we visited their location.  She said they have since stopped booking weddings at their venue and have contracted with a location close by for their wedding functions.  Squeaky wheel, people.
  • The second time I tried on wedding dresses, I had a meltdown and became mute by the end of the afternoon.  The (invisible, made-up) pressure of having more than one person there observing me (and my potential for back fat) sucked.  All I want is to look shapely.  It's gonna take an army and an Ativan.
Clearly, I have a track record of being calm, cool, and collected.

The first vendor we came across offered some sort of "90 day challenge weight loss by drinking our shake" product.  Allegedly, it tasted like cake.  Clearly she doesn't have the vodka I have at home.  That tastes like cake, milady, and I won't be thinking about your weight loss shake when I'm having Wedding Cake martinis in my double digit wedding dress.  Plus, when I told her I'd already lost 148 pounds and I wasn't really concerned with the last 30, and she couldn't hear me the first time, I had to yell (in my loud, Ford voice) that I had gastric bypass.  And she was pissy when I told her one of the girls looked better in the before picture and she really needed a sandwich in the after picture.  I should have offered to make her a sandwich.  I bet that's why she was so crabby.  But don't think I didn't sign up for their drawing of a VS gift card.  Somehow, I don't believe my name will be drawn...
Oh!  But can we back up a second....because I need to tell you about the PEOPLE who somehow scrounged up the money to get in to the show.  Nearly every bride and groom set looked like they were from Township 3.  One conversation in particular left Shannon and I feeling that our judgement would reign fast and severe over the next few hours:

Bride:  There is going to be a lot of ignorant people here.
Groom:  Aren't you glad I'm not half in the bag?

Oh sweet Wedding Cake.  The stupid people find me.  It cannot be helped if their idiocy is my fodder.  I live off of it and I will never stop pointing it out.  
Back to the vendors.  The Mary Kay rep hates me because I filled out her form but refused the free facial.  I saw my sister-in-law attempt to remove a Mary Kay lady from her house after a free facial.  I've had internet stalkers with less stamina.  I wanted no part of it.  Also?  I'm sure it's not your fault, sketchy tuxedo and overpriced photography place, that your place of business is located next to one of the two fine methadone clinics in the Queen City, but there's no way on God's magnificent Terra that I'm getting my man gear there...I've been junky-free for 30 days (I'm taking a 90-day challenge, you know) and I've just hit my stride. If I see state-funded doped out ne'er-do-wells while I'm trying to talk Beloved out of a camouflage cummerbund, I will have no choice but to go into a blackout-style rage and use all of my sweet Body Combat moves on you.  

Hence, I will be renting whatever I finally decide the boys will be wearing from Henry's.  They have been great.  Even when I went mute.  Even when I told Molly I wanted to try on a mermaid-style dress.  She didn't blink once.  I couldn't hoist myself up on to the display pedestal for all the tightness!  Molly must have started combination therapy for all the time she saw my business end trying to wriggle its way into those dresses.  And I'm gonna do it again today and she'll be right there, treating me like Princess Katherine and not The Bride of Chucky that I am. They had a dress on display last night that was less costly than the reception site (which was way affordable...what up, Black Bear Inn?!) and I'm hoping it will be mine.  We will see today.  AND I got to sample food from my caterer (BBI is so great because they have Montes.  I told Carmen I'd have my wedding in a back alley as long as she was the caterer.)  Oooh!  And Sea Dog had these amazing cream puffs with some sort of fruity cream filling.  AND I won a gift certificate to City Drawers in Belfast.  I can get lingerie (but will mostly likely buy Spanx) and look at all their great jewelry and Tokyomilk products.  Mmmm.  Milky.

The great thing is, we get in for free to the show today with our wristbands from last night.  So cross your fingers and say a prayer for the vendors.  I'm wedding dress shopping today, going to the show to hopefully win some wedding bands (or more door prizes!) and then calling it an afternoon with a family get-together.  Sprinkle in some crying and a glass or three of Reisling, and it will be any other Angie-centered day.

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