Friday, December 2, 2011

There Are No Bad Gifts (Besides Backgammon)

My intention was to post about our Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  But, alas and alack, my camera and computer are fighting.  As soon as I can get to a computer that's as loose as the female celebrities my age, I'll make that post happen, complete with pictures.  Until then, here's some thoughtful insight on gift-giving.  To me.


MSN published an article citing eight bad gifts to give, along with their reasoning.  I'm here to refute that and tell you why you could give me all eight of these gifts (and my mailing address, if you aren't able to see me in person to deliver.)

1.  An appliance.  I am a new homeowner.  I can think of three appliances I would replace this instant, gift-given or otherwise.  Our dryer is squeaky, though it dries clothes like that's its function.  The washing machine takes so long that I could probably beat the dirty clothes on a washboard down by the crick in less time.  And my vacuum spits the dirt back. At. me.  I would not pout if I unwrapped a Dyson.  I would plug her in and start vacuuming up the styrofoam bits that surely piled up by ripping open the packaging.
2.  The partial giftThey reference Sirius XM.  Oh, how I would love this.  I would pay the fee for monthly service.  My boss lets me use his account (5 days and you get it back, boss) and I'm addicted to the Broadway channel.  If you see IV drug users humming songs from Annie, it's because of me.  AND THEY HAVE A NEIL DIAMOND CHANNEL.  I do believe I read somewhere that Neil Diamond makes for a happy marriage.  At the very least, he disclosed at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade that he's engaged.
3.  A nose-hair trimmerGranted, this is not something I would give, but I would take it!  Beloved has no known nose-hair issue.  But eventually, when he's 80, I'm sure he will (all the cute lil old men do.)  So I'd be prepared (take that, lame Girl Scout troop I dropped out of!)  Plus, I have totally plucked unruly nose-hairs from my own sniffer, and it killed!  I'd much rather take a machine to them.  Don't get me started on the chin-hairs...
4.  The 'improving' giftOk, I can be a Judy Moody and take things to heart (just ask anyone who has spoken to me) so if I received any sort of non-cookbook 'improving' book, I'd double dose some Xanax.  But otherwise, I'm a cookbook junkie with a built-in taking up a quarter of my kitchen for just such gifts!
5.  The gift of exerciseI was a heavy child.  I was the heaviest adult.  I'm now a less-heavy adult.  I have been gifted exercise often (hello, Exerslide) and it's always been welcomed.  It has even been talked about this year, as my Mom and I have developed a co-dependent relationship with each other and the gym.
6.  A puppy.  Last year I was given a puppy.  It ran on batteries and scared the hell out of me (watch for a future post of my irrational fears) and we named it Shitlet because it was a tiny Shitzu.  So furry friends of the AA variety would totally be appropriate.  But if the Duracell pet you give me talks, know for sure I will make you euthanize it.
7.  The generic gift.  When the thought doesn't count?  I want it.  That probably sounds a little hoarderish of me, but a gift is a gift.  And generic gifts re-gift fantastically!  I'm planning to have a re-gifting party once the dust settles in late January or early February.
8.  The misleading box.  My trust issues probably stem from the misleading box.  We take nothing at face value in my family (in regards to gifts and people.)  My mother suggested that my father bring home an air compressor box for me to contain one of Beloved's Christmas presents.  Since he really really really wants an air compressor, I thought it would be cruel to wrap my equally awesome present in that box.  I have a heart, however small and black it may be.

So, may all your days be merry and bright and all that.  And know that my preference for gift wrap is pink with lots and lots of bows, but I'm not above gifts wrapped in newspaper, paper bags, old boxed wine boxes and the like. 

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